


Under the wave

by lightbackthestars



Category: Oasis (Band)
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Memories, Nostalgia, Recreational Drug Use, Sibling Incest, Subjectivity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:47:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23840992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightbackthestars/pseuds/lightbackthestars
Summary: This will be a chaptered work, written as a collection of memories mainly seen through Noel's eyes at the time: boomerang nostalgia and toxic longing.
Relationships: Liam Gallagher/Noel Gallagher
Comments: 16
Kudos: 35





	1. 2018

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired & motivated by this live ⟜ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQv6egOBqh0 and clues left in the songs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noel as every kids had created his own world, but it was not a sand castle of escapism set to vanish with age, it was closer to a fortress made up of an iron will to live on.  
> And when did the dream start fueling his life instead of the other way around, he wondered.
> 
> The old Gods had died and the past had been washed away from him, he would pierce his eyes like Oedipus if it could help him, If it could keep him for trying to make the stigma of what can't stay gone more visible to his eyes, no matter how much he tries not to.
> 
> After you come to love and understand what is the worth of a day, can any meaning be found again once all is lost, his mind told him he had to, but his heart would not unbreak to the sound of these thoughts.

**0\. Prologue**

The concert was over, he was back in the silence. His mind resonated the loudest then but his heart was finally quiet, his eyes found his reflection:door behind him closed, alone within himself.

Lately, every concert had been putting him in some sort of a trance. He would seep into his own reality, mind wandering off privately back to a past he could feel, could see, floating above the heads of the people in the crowd, he could feel his heart beating again.

He imagined time was elastic, and that the furthest he went from this period, the quickest he could snap right back to it and try again, maybe do it all over again, indifferently, indefinitely. 

_That hole within himself._

That feeling of having been robbed of something, as if someone took a part of his soul or a pound of flesh, and had left him hollow, helpless, distorted.

That idiot would call that his cross to bear, _his fucking Jesus fascination_ , he had a cross up his neck and the devil down his heart, how convenient.

Noel swallowed back the bitterness that he called with ease the lump in his throat, his eyes hardened, he had felt like this about a thousand times now, he knows not to waver, knows how not to, while he’s sober at least. He won’t think about it, he only allows himself to think about it then, on stage, and after that, life goes on.

As every tour night he grabs his phone, rings his daughter first, who picks up less and less promptly as years pass, rings his wife then and talks to the kids. When it’s all over, he wonders about life on the other side of the earth and on the other side of his heart.

*

Liam, Noel felt, had plagued his existence the whole of his life and if he always felt the itch to get rid of him, he simultaneously, never, felt close enough.  The multiple layers of dark desires that wrapped around his heart, chaining it in place, he still had yet to acknowledge them all.

In his mind, he carried that memory of when he first felt like a sick fuck. 

Liam was just 15, sitting on the living room’s couch in his underwear, eating his cereals messily, mouth open, milk dripping down on him, careless as a kid, he was laughing out freely to some stupid cartoons he was already too old for, calling his name out from across the room « Noel, Noel, Noel, watch this! » Noel was watching him, eyes warm, faint smile, and his dick twitched. 

It happened so naturally and fleetly that he did not _completely_ have to process it then, he had been relatively sexually frustrated, working extra hours at the building sites, he walked up to Liam and ruffled his hair, smooth and soft under his work-roughened palm, then smacked his head hard.

«The fuck man! What was that for! » Liam cried out, loving an occasion to be needlessly outraged 

« You know, if you watch cartoons all day long you gonna end up even more stupid than you already are »

« Shut the fuck up you dick, I’m way smarter than you! »

« Sure sounds the part, well argued » Noel watched his inflamed face and thought he looked like a tiny fluffy puppy throwing a tantrum. he was feeling calm and happy, it was only the two of them in the house. 

Liam was watching him, like he was aware he owned all the warmth in his smiles, but with no cynicism, there was no need to control in Liam, just an unquenchable need to be loved, a need for more than Noel would, ever, give him, even if he probably, along the years, wanted him more than he thought he could guess.

Maybe because he was young then he did not question his place in Noel’s life, everything was easier, maybe because the world came down to the two of them, then. The bitterness had not had time to settle yet, and all the room was left for that eerie yearning as well as for the illusion things would be as they are, the privilege of youth.

After Noel came back to their room he locked the door.

Lazily, he starting touching himself thinking about the neighbor’s daughter who had went down on him a couple of weeks ago, he felt warm and tender still but not one thought of Liam crossed his mind as his hand worked down his pants. _What a relief,_ he wished he had not thought as he was done.

*

One year later, Noel was 21 and jerking off in the shower thinking about his little brother. He had given up, this thing was eating him from the inside and grew as Liam did. He needed _some kind_ of release, to control himself. He could not fuck them up. He could not understand _why_ yet but it felt like a burn mark on his heart.

At times he did not even feel guilty about it, he would think of the feel of Liam’s hair of Liam’s skin, he would think of the playful -innocent- smacks he would sometimes give him and he would come hot and quick in his hand. _No one gets hurt, it’s all in my mind._

Some other times, he felt like crying under the dripping water and hated himself, he would think of Liam’s easy smiles and savage temper, some kind of wild angel, and it was all too much, he would jerk off thinking of some imaginary sister or his current girlfriend. He came half less hard and felt twice as more disgusted with himself. 

_Why am I like this ?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can not believe I'm writing this, I blame the demo version of it's a crime.


	2. 1989

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beginnings are always sweet.

It was summertime and Liam had been pestering him all day to take him to the sea on the weekend, he was an almost seventeen-year-old on holiday and could unsurprisingly not grasp why those two days meant all of the freedom Noel had and why his time was not forever ripe for his taking.

« Come on, just take me » He whined for the hundredth time that day. He had no idea why the kid got into his head so hard to go there and absolutely with him but he had been harassing him relentlessly.

« Ask Paul, he can drive » Paul who was conveniently right next to them proceeded to mind his own business as if his name didn’t even come up. 

« I’m asking you, why don’t you want to ? »

« Because you’re an annoying little shit here’s why, good enough for you ? »

« No. Not even close, come on Noel just take me, take me take me take me »

« God are you 5 ? What is this ? Look, I have to practice this weekend Liam, I don’t have time » He sighed and Liam’s eyes sparkled, Noel giving him an explanation was a half yes for him, a half win, so a win. « Besides, I have to see Louise » He internally winced at the priority order, hoping Liam didn’t notice. Something flashed in his brother’s eyes.

« Then you definitely have to now »

« Why? »

He wished he had not asked as Liam crawled on top of him, staring at him, glint in the eyes gone as he himself went rigid, focused on being normal.

« Because you’re _leaving_ » Noel pushed him off of him, back to the couch.

« God do you have to be so dramatic ? I’m not going to Mars I’m just moving out »

« Paul’s not leaving » Liam said bitingly « You are, so _you_ take me » 

« You just won’t fuckin’ give up »

« No, I’ll ask you all day, I’ll ask you every day all fucki- »

« Okay, okay, okay. Alright ? Okay. » Somehow, his brother’s weird logic got him, not that he will admit it.

« Yeah ? » Liam smiled all bright and happy, as if Noel had said yes on the first try, as if he had told him ‘I would love to take you to the sea pack your stuff’ and did not have to fight goddamn hours for it. But then again, Noel only eventually said yes to things he was willing to do in the first place, it was never so much convincing as weakening. 

« Yeah. Now leave me the fuck alone would you ? » 

He didn’t have to force it as his brother who got what he wanted didn’t seem to care much about him anymore « Sure man, whatever you want » He let out coolly as if he was a complete different person. _Whatever_ you _want, always._

Noel spent the night at his girlfriend’s that day and he briefly wondered what the fuck he was doing with his life as he apologetically cancelled their plans with many sincere sounding _I’m so sorry, our mom’s asked me to take him, I can’t get away from this, she won’t forgive me, he’s a spoiled little brat, can you forgive me ?_ Louise of course did not mind, because she was perfect and she always trusted Noel, because he appeared perfect. _Can’t be helped, we can postpone to next week,_ she had just said with ease and a smile _Yeah…I’ll make it up to you, I promise._ She had looked at him funny then he was uncharacteristically trying hard, it was not such a big deal, but it felt like one.

※

Liam had been calm and silent on the train, so much he wondered why the kid had even wanted him there, he was usually annoyingly talkative but he would sometimes immerse himself in this aloofness that made his lethargic eyes melancholic. He looked through the window for the whole ride and Noel looked at him.

Once outside though he switched back to his tiresome tirelessness and his ears were full of ooohs and aaahs and waaahs and Noel this and that and bizarre fun facts he could not imagine where he got them from.

It was a rare hot summer day but it was pretty empty on the strand where they changed, Liam who had spotted a boat in the distance dared him to swim race it, which was ridiculous because he was a pathetic swimmer and Noel was afraid of the depth, he did not even enjoy swimming in a pool. He looked at the sparkling sea water gathering languishingly at his feet. « You wanna go in ? You don’t even know how to swim » Liam shrugged « I’ve been learning at school » He didn’t want to get in the sea, his body was shuddering and he watched Liam take off alone splashing around like a crippled dolphin.

He was following moving slow, diving in, water was at his hips and sounds were momentarily muted, up until Liam banged the boat victoriously notwithstanding that he had raced it alone, looking like he found himself fantastic. _How nice it must be_ Noel mused, images of him and Paul being choked in water by their father momentarily flashed in front of him, up above Liam’s angelic bright face, he probably was too young to remember that one, that man had stopped after Noel almost choked to death once, what would the neighbors say if his son was found dead in the toilets ? Could not let that happen.

He felt himself sink into the banned space of his mind but was as quickly brought back up as he noticed his definitively insane brother was now carrying himself up onto the boat. _Help me Lord._ Fortunately the water was at low tide and as Noel realised he would be within his depth up until the boat, he used the strength he kept in to control his brother’s thirst for disaster to catch back the distance.

« What the fuck Liam ? » He made a note to tell him later that his little exploit meant nothing considering he was able to touch the bottom all along.

« What ? There’s no one here » He said so casually, looking at him like he was the one being crazy «No reason not to »

« You mean except it’s not fucking yours ? » Liam just chuckled, like he was being ridiculous for even considering something could be out of his reach. « So you gonna stay there ? Afraid ? Come on, up here, we can leave before the geezers come back, just come »He shifted his attention to a small radio he found lying around andagainst his better judgment he followed up, he would not have hesitated with his friends, but he always had to be responsible around Liam. 

The boat was nice to his untrained eyes, probably saw it more luxurious than it actually was, as he noticed him there, Liam smiled like he got a gift. There was a small kitchen-like area down under, they ate whatever snacks they could find in and snatched a bottle of wine they brought back up. They sat under the sun and in the heat got tipsy pretty fast, Noel felt like he was high, he let Liam stick his back to his chest, maybe he would keep his skin from sunburning.

« Play with my hair » It’s not often someone requests you to do exactly what you crave so Noel goes along with it without a word. Liam sighs « Feels nice » _It does._

« You’re such a fucking princess I swear »

« What ? You said you would be nice today » _I never actually did._

« I brought you to the fucking sea and helped you colonize a boat, I think I’ve been plenty nice to you, now not so much to myself » Liam turns to him then.

« Want me to be nice to you ? » He’s overflowing with poison and Noel looks away, suddenly feeling cold sweat. _Don’t think about it._ Surprisingly, the kid doesn’t push it « Let’s play a game » 

« What game ? »

« Who can stay underwater the longest »He rolls his eyes but goes along with it, needing the distance « Let’s go »

They’re back in the sea and Noel is far much better at this, he has the leisure to open his eyes under water and stare at Liam while he’s making imbecilic faces, keeping his eyes closed in concentration, scrunching up his nose trying to hold it, he looks proper ridiculous and Noel almost chokes as he chuckles into the salted water, it makes him irrationally annoyed with his brother.

Liam breaks down fast and shoots out dramatically, Noel follows.

« You suck » He states right out.

« Shut up you dick, it’s a stupid game »

« Good point, but is it only as stupid as the one who wanted to play it though ? » Noel looks genuinely concerned and Liam throws water at his face until his eyes burn, he answers by trying to drown him, Liam can’t fight so he brings Noel down under water with him, and like that naturally they both try again, Liam’s hands stay on his arms, he doesn’t do better and they come up together.

« Are you a fucking fish ? »

« I heard I drink like one »

« If it was the secret I’d be a damn mermaid, why are you so good at this ?» 

« Why do you even want to do this, you hate it » It was strange for Liam to do anything that he did not enjoy, sometimes Noel admired and envied this freedom, some others it made hatred bubble up in him.

« This lad at school thinks he’s hot shit, he’s not, he’s lame » Noel understands he must have lost some kind of bet, used to his roundabout way of talking.

« Can’t let this happen, we’ll get you to do better than that. Take a deep breath, let air out little by little, don’t panic » He nods pliantly.

They both slide down again, and Noel keeps his eyes open underwater, a perfect blue surrounds them, their faces are so close noses almost touch, Liam’s hair floating around like algae is tickling his face at the tip and the sun rays dropping gold on them from above eerily illuminate his now serene face, Noel thinks that more than a mermaid he has the looks of some kind of water nymph.

It creeps in his mind that in here, down under, reality is trapped up. 

_Why are you so good at this ?_ Noel can’t imagine how many times he engulfed himself into the water, pretending the outside world vanished or that he himself disappeared, there was no place he could run away as a child, but in the water, and today, and despite his trauma or because of it, he would always find comfort in burying himself into it, as long as he could touch the ground. Grown up now he could run away about anywhere but the darkness was now all in his mind and there was no escape for this. How many times had he tried to cleanse his thoughts by drowning the poison down under ? 

But at this moment in time, it was different, he plunged in with him, he was not alone. To him it felt more intimate than anything, more than making love to Louise, even more because Liam could not even suspect it, the radioactive melody in him, didn’t know he was welcoming him in hidden places.

Opening like a flower, he closed the taunting residual distance between them and kissed him. Liam opened his mouth in surprise and Noel only realised then, he moved out of instinct, he had not expected to feel his brother’s tongue but as he did, electrified, and if already too conscious to keep going, he kept going and lightly stroked it once. Mercifully, oxygen was running out by then, and he blew what was left of air in his lungs into Liam’s mouth, making him choke.

They both swam back up fast, Liam was coughing off water and shock, red coloring his cheeks and eyes. For a few excruciating seconds, Noel felt like dying. 

« That’s cheating man! » Liam eventually burst out « A low blow that’s what it was! » He felt relief wash all over him, cooling him down. « I would totally have won! Let’s hold for the record that I did, me »But was relief ever supposed to have such a bitter after taste _,_ _Does anything shock this guy ?_ Anger followed after fear, _Why can’t you notice ? Why do_ you _want him to notice ?_ He felt that he was losing ground, an inexplicable wave of sadness crashed over him, whitening the sun.

«Let’s get outside shall we ? I’m freezing » Noel promptly ignored his brother’s numerous annoying cries of _no let’s do it again, come on Noely this one will be better, just once_ , the kid never knew when to stop so he got used to putting an end to things himself.

He sat down under the late soft afternoon sun. And just as his skin started drying up he felt wetness again on his laps, _typical,_ Liam had put his soaked head of hair there, uncaring, like a dog coming out of water.

« Fuck Liam, get off, you’re cold »

« Where do you think they went to, the chaps living here ? _» I doubt they’re -living- here,_ he started to wonder too though, forgetting to push his brother off.

« Probably to some expensive sea shell restaurants overdosing on oysters before getting champagne pissed by the shore » He didn’t think they would get to stay so long there, it almost felt like an oasis by now, an illusion of all unquenched desires in the desert. _It feels like we’re the only ones existing._

« It feels like we’re the only ones existing » Liam sighed, Noel’s heart skipped a beat, he did not think this out loud did he ? « What would you do if we were ? If we went back to shore and everyone had disappeared ? » His eyebrows furrowed, eyes still closed « I mean, except from Ma and Paul, I don’t want them to disappear » He added in a hurry like a child afraid diabolical angels would make his wish come true to punish him for having even thought it. Noel’s hand was back in his hair.

« I don’t know kid, maybe break into 10 downing street, empty the liquor cabinet and then watch telly, never thought about it » Liam said nothing and hummed, for some reasons that made him uneasy « What about you? »

« Me ? » eyelids finally parted back open, all translucent crystal brightness and glazy azur blue, he watched the sky in silence a few seconds before diving into his eyes, Noel felt his heart trying to jump out of his chest. 

« I would probably just stay here » 

※

Liam had surprised him with some fish and chips as they were back on shore later, he didn’t have any money so he had probably nicked it from someone, but Noel was touched, Liam was still a teen and not exactly thoughtful, he spent more time wondering why the world and everyone in it were not abiding exactly by his whims than of what he could do for others.

« Because you have not been an utter dick today » He said as he clumsily opened the plastic bag, visibly embarrassed and Noel chuckled.

« Gee, thanks » 

They ate silently on a beach bench while the sun set. He was the first to say they should go, while his brother, noticeably freezing and close to catching a cold was arguing to stay longer, but Noel saw no good in that so he did not give in.

As they walked to the train station Liam tried to take his hand, and shot him a look of pure hurt after he was pushed off. He felt a tinge of guilt but reminded himself this was his 17 year old brother and there was no reason to feel guilty for not holding his hand back home. Liam tried again.

« Will you stop ? »

« Just take it man »

« You’re not fucking 8 anymore Liam, walk on your own » His brother said nothing but a moment later kneeled down on the side of the road examining some stuff, Noel let him ride out his ludicrous tendencies without stopping but as he looked back Liam was still there picking out what seemed to be bloody wild mushrooms and he walked back to him.

« And what the fuck are you doing now ? Can we know ? » He was annoyed out of his might, but the kidonly looked at him sheepishly saying « I’m gonna eat that » Blinking several times Noel used all his self control to articulate his irritation into thoughts « You do know there are high chances these are poisonous right ? And you will wind up dead on the road like a damn rat » Liam chuckled « Nah it’s alright mate they look fuckin tasty » 

« What….? » He was not wired to react to that, so as Liam was actually going through with his plan he slapped his hand, his brother tried again and Noel ended up grabbing his wrist in a violent grip « You will cut it out now, okay ? It’s enough. We’re going. And I don’t want to hear your voice until we’re home»

As Liam was roughly being dragged along down the road he stared at his brother’s hand on his wrist, it was too painful and too forceful to be mistaken for hand holding but he smiled all the same, he will bruise surely, and somehow he liked it more.

※

It was past midnight, finally safe home alone in his bed, Noel was replaying the day for himself, smiling in the privacy of the darkness sheltering him.

He was imprinting in his mind the smiles mixed with sunshine and water sparkles, and it all became a fuzzy blur of warmth as his body grew heavier and heavier.

Still, he was reluctant to let it all end, he would realise much later that this day he felt untamed happiness, but the inkling must have been there because if he had consumed those volatile moments as if he could get a thousand more of them, with no after thought, falling asleep made him feel a sudden rush of anxiety, of loneliness.

« What in hell ? »

Liam had managed to silently creep up into his bed and Noel was starting to get seriously scared the kid had somehow found a way to read his mind, but then again if he had, he would more likely be running away from him.

« I can’t sleep » He could barely see him, only the outline of his body and the glitter in his eyes. Noel was dying to have him close at that moment and he figured not saying anything was resistance enough. « Please Noely » _Now, that is unfair._ I’m so fucking weak he thought _Weak for you_. _Why ?_ He pushed himself back making space for him as an answer.

Liam snuggled up to him, and let him absently caress the small of his back from under his pyjama, in a few minutes he was sound asleep. _Can’t sleep my arse_ , in the darkness he could only smell and feel him, it felt like he was underwater again, anxious and uncomfortable, his heart sped up as his mind played the kiss once more for him.

_Me ? I would probably just stay here_

He imagined it seriously then, if everyone around them disappeared.

« Me too » Came in a whisper to a sleeping Liam.

He fell asleep in the borrowed fantasy of a world of their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with me and this fiction, timeline may not be 100% accurate. English is not my first language so I hope it was not grammatically offensive, tbc


	3. 1987-1989

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the chapter I expected to write but the one that came out, this seems to be morphing into a novel, what's the opposite of a blast from the past ?

As far as he can remember, Noel has always had a girlfriend, a pool of cyclic loves, each one of them fit for one single part of his life. None of his experiences had been alike, but they were also all the same, he would always build a long sustainable relationship, would always promise his future, and would always, get them to leave as he took a new turn. 

He had always been a perfect partner to all his girlfriends, he knew what words to say and he didn’t care to say them, which was funny really as most words of love in his mind translated into thanks and praises in his mouth, when it came to his brother. He had never been violent with any of them but he had relished in beating the shit out of Liam on occasions, never without post gut-wrenching guilt of course, but even that never proved to be just enough to keep it from happening for good, when he was around his blood always boiled, rushing up his head or down his cock. 

Even fizzled out, down the end of the road, this passion dug out of his abysmal heart he, never, felt it again.

Noel had chanced on Louise in the train on a rainy day, she was going to London and he was going nowhere. When their eyes met, they had smiled and joked about looking in a mirror: they were both wearing a navy blue Fred Perry polo, but Noel’s was a present from a “friend”, both reading the same foreign book, but Louise’s was in its original language. The picture stayed colored and clear in his mind for years, it summed them up quite well. 

It dawned on him then that if he had to hide in the train’s toilets, clutching his instrument like a talisman, waiting for the controller to disappear, he in return, got to choose the best empty seat with the prettiest girl there, _always have to make your own luck._ He imagined that if it had been his brother, the prettiest girl would have been the one who would have had to make hers, still in school but all eyes were already following him, _including mine._

When she was not breaking her back working, his mother was breaking her neck trying to make him see the worth and respectability of hard work, _make your garden grow_ that Voltaire guy would say, but all Noel saw was that his hands and nails were used dry and damaged, whereas Louise’s were soft smooth and silky but her train ticket lay serene on the table, she could speak fluently two languages and he could not even make use of his own as she told him about the artistic movements she had a passion for and could only modestly nod as the intellectual name-dropping got too sophisticated for his TV-built culture. He had his books though, his drawings, his poems and his guitar, his dynamic mind and dynamite tongue, and they left the train but not each other.

It was love, in his mind. 

So he took her hand and made the first jump off of the bandwagon of his life, leaping into this whirlwind romance with the determination of a drowning man getting hold of a piece of wood lost at sea, getting an escape from his scaled neighborhood and his scally associations.

Louise opened the gates to a new world for him, the nights out got central, the drugs more sophisticated, and the people wordlier. 

She was working for a media agency at the time, too young for the job but the right brains and connections. She had told him without coyness she owed it to her parents but there was no gratitude needed because she was great at it. 

Noel liked her attitude, liked the carefree Hacienda club nights with drugs and booze somehow always there available for them and liked her job, especially stories of that band she was assigned to get exposure for, The Inspiral Carpets, _one of them is loaded and in the open closet_ she told him, the keyboard player, last toy he got was showered with presents until he got it into his head to try and tell his girlfriend about them, _as easily arrived as easily gone, Clint doesn’t like complications you know, the more obscure the rock is, the less they can handle them._

A few months later on his 21st birthday, with the Stone Roses’ 1988 demented live as a soundtrack and one thought or two lodged in his head for his teen brother who supposedly was somewhere in the crowd, he would fortuitously talk to whom he recognized as Graham Lambert the inspiral’s guitarist, before he said his name, casually mentioning his (not so) genuine interest in the (not yet) up and coming band, earning himself a friendship and a job. Noel never had any qualms about making the best of his situation, he made it an art really, it was only fucking right.

He had dined with her parents in her elegant south of Manchester house a couple of times, it was the perfect playground to test out the perfect Noel he had built up lies by lies year after year, but he never invited Louise over and it was becoming a serious strain on the relationship. 

She never reveled in it, but she had everything Noel wished at that time he had been born with, and he didn’t think he deserved any less, but he was still atrociously self-conscious. Yet she was level-headed and unpretentious, and _maybe_ he would not be judged but he could not stand being on the losing end of things.

_The distance I need to catch._

Still, it was nowhere time to end it with her, it was only the beginning, and as they, only a few months in the relationship, decided to move in together, albeit in intermittent fashion to ease it out for his mother, he eventually sucked it up for the greater good. Playing his cards wrong was not an option for a guy like him and he reminded himself of that daily.

Everyone had loved Louise, his mom thought she was a good influence. Even Liam, always affectionate towards beauty liked her, he did go through a period he stopped talking to her altogether just after Noel moved out but he would always give her a nod when she looked particularly uncomfortable and Noel found this sweet despite himself, he was sixteen then but still just a child inside.

Everyone loved her just like everyone loved Liam and he wondered why, only the latter made him convulse of contempt and envy. He knew his brother Paul felt it too, resentment, jealousy, on a primal level. 

When life gave him a break he could look at it simply, the middle child was the youngest at some point, he would never get rid of the feeling his brother just came and snatched everything away from him, all the things he had, along with all the things he never got to have, even his dreams, same way he snatched his heart, unintentionally but brashly.

For Paul it was the way Liam never had to work for any of the privileges he would himself never get to touch, Noel was more damaged internally and everything he got, he had to give up something for it, unlike their little brother he did not inspire so much envy, so much spite. 

But for Noel, it was mixed with much more complicated emotions, emotions that made his Liam appear in his dreams, the good ones and the bad ones, that let him live in his head as a second thought, that made him suspect the existence of another world. That made him want to own him and destroy him, competitively.

Back then Noel could tuck his brother to sleep after he beat him down and he would not flinch at the sheer ridiculousness of it, it made sense to him, to protect his little lovely nightmare, to tear apart his safe haven. He felt no shame because Liam would persistently push all the buttons to drive him insane, he never knew his place and someone had to teach him. And he was the one who did, who taught Liam everything, from tying his shoe laces to snorting a line and all the sweet and bitter things that came in between. Noel would always complain about it but they were both aware he got a sick kick out of bossing him around, out of imprinting himself in him.

When Liam turned seventeen, Noel wasn’t here, he was enjoying the consolation prize he got for his broken dream and public embarrassment of a failed singer audition for a band he didn’t even really give a fuck about, roadying away in Europe. It was the first time in his life he travelled, except for the occasional trips to Ireland that he would come to enjoy much more in his greying memory. And even if he still didn’t have the right clothes nor the right references, even if manual work had prematurely aged him, even if he, humiliation bright in mind, imagined he would only get to rot away in his hell hole of a life, he felt happy taking an other step away from the world he knew, he felt like he was rising to an higher level and would undoubtedly throw it in everyone’s face, especially his brother’s, as he got home.

Noel never had any trouble with girls, but he did not attract looks in the streets, no one around him thought _fuck me, I want him,_ and if he had to swear gun to the head, he felt like a little weirdo half the time, especially when his brother had successfully morphed into this tough Manchester teen stud that had older girls sighing for him and guys wanting to be like him. He had grown frail and sensitive like a little doll but aggressive and savage like a wild animal and he was thinking of this dichotomy a lot, thinking of him a lot. But on top of that he was also becoming a serious threat to his dignity, he was undoubtedly a fucking mess and, admiration, was definitely not a feeling he wanted to feel for him.

_Admiration rhymes with adoration_ , Noel was getting real sick of his mind and of his brother too, he could have stayed for his birthday he imagined, if he had really tried _, if I had really wanted to_ , but he would never admit it, couldn’t fool his mother though who had hummed on the phone the way she does to this day when she wants him to know she understands he’s bullshitting her “It’s his birthday, Noel” 

“Exactly, he should spend it with his friends or some girl, not his family, he’s old enough”

“Come come, you know Liam expects you here” Silence and static. “You used to be so close, the two of you”

“Look Ma I just can’t, I have prior engagement” _prior than my birth you lying cunt ?_ He could hear Liam say in his head “Liam will understand” They both mark a pause at the sheer ludicrousness of this statement, he will sooner swallow his own tongue than to, understand. 

“You do what you have to do Noel, I only want you to be happy, but you still have a family, do not forget it” He resists the urge to answer that he’s not the weird one for looking to build a life at 22, Paul is the one with no direction, that ever since he’s scored his job the fridge is full everyday, that the world shouldn’t always stop for William, Instead he goes with « I can’t spend my life taking care of our kid » _Our kid indeed._

« You know how sensitive your brother is Noel, he needs our help » Her voice sounded sad through the phone and he constricted deeper in him all the words he wanted to say. All his guilt vanished as the gates of his heart closed, it filled him with contempt, how everyone would always dote on his brother, take pity on him, protect him from himself, make excuses for him.

He hadn’t meant to forget his birthday though, Noel had been high and happy and drunk and he genuinely simply forgot all about him. For the first time in his life he felt like he somehow belonged someplace, he wasn’t a little deviant or _surely bent_ for playing the guitar and being into records, in the end it had turned out better than he had expected, he had the freedom to write and practice and he got the place he wanted in Clint’s life, both day and night.

So for the first time in Liam’s life there had been no Noel and there had been no call from him either. The way he saw it, he was 22 and abroad for the first time, prime guest to free coke alcohol and easy shags backstage, it was miracle enough he remembered he forgot. Still, he had bought his brother a gift there, to quiet down his nonsensical guilt, a rare Vinyl of his favorite album of the Beatles for which Liam had only recently developed an obsession for. 

It was 4pm the next day as he eventually called and Liam hadn’t picked up, the day after he called again and he got Liam alright as he told him to fuck off and stick his gift profoundly up his arse, his conscience cleared instantly and coming back venomous from the hotel lobby to his room, he stomped the Vinyl to dust on the ground and threw the bag in the trash.

By the time he came home, Louise and him had a falling out and he visited his family first, Liam had immediately lurked around his luggage like a baby predator, expectant and curious.

« What do you want » His brother gave him a stunned look.

« Where’s my gift ? » Noel in return faked an incredulous look, as if he didn’t expect it would come to this, then matter of factly with the calmness that made Liam’s hair rise « well, I stuck it up my arse » as anticipated annoyance flashed in his eyes, just a little more and he would break.

« Where is it ? It’s mine ! You said it was, give it to me! » 

« I don’t have it, you didn’t want it, so I gave it away » lies came easy, covering up the remotest traces of genuine emotions unwillingly coming out.

Liam had gotten so mad then, he kicked his half emptied luggage relentlessly in flaming hysteria, and threw his bag to the wall, he was still not entirely used to his violent outbursts, his brother had always been a handful but since he was 14 something was unleashed. Noel used to think it was a phase, a teenage crisis, it was difficult to see Liam as more than a child, his own, but it was escalating with time and he recognized in his brother the same anger he kept constricted and on leash within himself. 

Liam was an open book in many ways, he kept his heart on his sleeve and when it burnt black he would leave traces of charcoal all over the people he loved, the people who, naturally, never had any other choice but to love him back.

«You’re an embarrassing headcase. You make me wish I never came back. » He spat, voice sharpening each word to little knives aimed one by one at his heart, and it had made the soft thing bleed because he meant it, watching Liam he felt the pull of the smudged life he ran away from bringing him down, it reminded him of all that was wrong in his life, all he wanted to escape, even though he had been on his mind every single day he was gone. Tears glazed his brother’s eyes and it gave Noel enough satisfaction to not bother further, turn his heels and leave him there alone.

As he sat on the living room’s couch putting the TV on like nothing happened, he heard Liam’s steps from behind coming down the stairs loud and heavy along with _You fucking sad cunt, I hope you don’t fucking come back next time, why are you even here it’s not your fucking home anymore fuck off for good, you ugly nasty cunt_ , and the front door being slammed shut violently, he switched channel.

Later, he learned from his mother that Liam had waited home the whole day to not miss his phone call, coincidentally the phone had rung many times that day and for every one of those rings a multitude of excited _see I knew he would call, he would not forget, he’s real busy but he’s calling_ would flutter around like butterflies, that his eyes had sparkled each time until midnight veiled them, that he had left home without a word then and no one saw him again before the next evening, hungover so bad he couldn’t move for a day.

In the back of his mind he wondered how many teenage boys would pass out drunk because they didn’t get a birthday call from their big brother. Underneath all his bravado Liam was worshipping him, looking up to him and he was building it up, not giving him a chance not to.

If he had been the actor in some romantic movie, Noel imagined he would have run to him, probably under the storm, they would have hugged dramatically perhaps he would have gone so far as to apologize, the pouring rain would have turned to mist while he professed his words of love, of reassurance of forever to a doe-eyed Wiliam and they would have kissed and Noel would not even have heard any scream of anguish in his head during.

But he was only himself, deeply rooted in his reality, pathetically so, at times prodigiously so but not often when his brother was concerned, and instead he spent the following couple of days at Clint’s, doing what he did best, pretending, and the range of his palette had proved to be fantastic, he pretended he was not tormented by Liam’s daily unsuccessful phonecalls, punctuating Clint’s unfailing S _orry, bad time today too, he’s not here_ by sighs of annoyance, pretended he was not amused by Liam’s big mouth in open fire mode as he listened to his phone messages, repeatedly so and just to hear his voice, he pretended to himself he liked birds more as he sucked off his smitten golden goose after he gifted him a guitar, and one time or two, with the decency of a bit of shame he pretended it was not Clint there as they fucked. A certain name was ringing in his head, coming out from his pores in waves of heat but never left his mouth, religiously trained by then to the art.

Clint’s eyes betrayed his love now the way his smile had betrayed his lust the first time he saw him, he wished he would care, well he did, but he wished he would care _meaningfully_ , enough to dilude not only his attention but also his damned affection. It made him feel good though, important. Back then he thought he had feelings for him, he convinced himself of it, the way he was sure he was in love with Louise, but in the end there was no turning back as he left both of them behind.

He was alright, he looked alright, gloom never colored his face, as it seemed to have found his notebook to darken in ink instead. 

_You’re everything wrong in me, but I always look back._

❇︎

A couple of months later, there they were again, Louise and him, at his own home’s dinner table sitting next to each other like newlyweds, pinned under the appreciating looks of his family and guests.

Noel pensively looked at Louise’s portrait which was now hung proudly over the dining table, she was his future surely, everyone thought so. His mother had her pretty silver sterling cross out, Paul’s shirt was ironed and Liam had his hair combed. It all looked a bit ridiculous to him, not really the neatness, which had always been important in his sunday-church family, but the effort for perfectness in this scruffy home, so clean but with worn-out furniture, with all the shabby little details neatly organized, he was feeling like the whole room was vibrating of _we’re just holding out here_ he felt it like a spit in his face. 

Noel felt a flow of shame watching Louise sitting at the table, she had worn her most modest dress and let her hair down but was still entirely sticking out, the way she was standing, her accent, her pearly teeth, the trained politeness of her manners, she looked like she did not belong here, and Noel wanting to crawl out of his skin, wondered if he looked that out of place when he visited her own home, even wearing his finest shirt. The melody in his mind switched to the whispered mockery of her friends.

She had the same eyes as them though, small sharp almond-shaped icy blues, running in the family, everyone had them but Liam, whose kaleidoscopic bright eyes seemed to have been drawn out big and soft by the psychedelic dreams in his mind. 

_Liam_. He was doing his best not to glance his way, because all the heavenly spirits had it out for him lately, his brother was growing painful to look at, a face made by the angels or something.

Obviously this sentiment was not shared by everyone there as that bigot who found her way from the Church to his mom’s dinner table, whose looks had been slobbering all over Liam’s face for the best of the evening, finally let out what her eyes gave out.

“William you have become so…beautiful. You must make all the girls swoon! » His brother’s cheeks heated up and he gave an awkward rough nod “‘ts alright”, Noel hated himself but looked at him, he was sure he could guess _exactly_ how warm his skin was. It always made his dick twitch to see him like this, his brother was in appearance cheeky and cocky but send his way a well-sharpened compliment and his introversion took the reigns back full power. 

His treacherous eyes suddenly conjured up an image of his cock sliding in his mouth making him blush. _Christ_. He was instantly warm all over. _I’m losing it. I’m truly losing it, pull yourself together, snap out of it, now_. He could feel his mind taking more and more steps towards the devil. He took Louise’s hand from under the table, she held it with gentleness.

“And you Noel you look so much like your father!” Noel’s boiling blood iced out.“Doesn’t he Peggy ? It’s uncanny” _What is that hag going on about ?_ His mom politely smiled “He does, Noel’s very handsome” 

“I look like shit” He just had time to say flatly before, like clockwork, his brother burst out.

“Don’t bring that fucker’s name round here or I’ll slap it off your dirty mouth!” _I bet the forbidden fruit’s looking less sweet now_ and nothing Noel thought, ever beat that look of brutalized shock as people’s rotten sweet teeth came breaking onto his brother’s unexpected hardness.

“William.” that look in his eyes and he went quiet, not by the work of the eldest, not the parent, his own, and he didn’t even have to do much. It sent chills up his spine. 

“It’s not a way to talk about your father” The woman was scandalized, all red eyes looking around for help she won’t find. The tension could have as well exploded they were all ready for it, but eventually instead everyone shrugged it off, Liam had caught their mom’s look of discomfort and got to murder the vegetables on his plate with his fork instead of making a scene, mumbling darkly to himself, _Running around chasing girls being a little scally but still just a child._ He would at that time bark more than he would bite, but he would bark pretty loud and could drive them all insane. 

« How’s Aiden ? I think I saw him on the canal the other day, heard this engagement got broken » Everyone around knew her son was into lads, God knew Noel did as he fucked him a couple of times in backdoor toilets “It’s such a shame, I know how dearly you were expecting grandchildren” He’s hit a sore spot, of course, and no one heard much of her again that evening.

****

It did nothing to satisfy him though, a dark cloud had settled over his head, and inside, the words kept ringing, _you look so much like your father._ if there were a place to run away, he needed one, one must exist, somewhere, far enough, away from here from all that filth, that hypocrisy, that staleness, away from the future mapped out for him, from the greyness and coldness. A place to start over, to erase everyone and everything he’s ever known. To become the person he should have been. His brother was staring at him,he couldn’t say why but his gaze made him flush of embarrassment for his thoughts.

Noel had found a picture of his father in his mother’s stuff once, it was just an accident, he had opened a box curiously and saw pictures he never did of her as a young woman, and there in the mix, one of his father at about 20, he looked just like him. Noel had felt chills of disgust multiply in his guts and he ran to the bathroom just in time to vomit in the toilets.

After he was done, he came back to the room, took out his lighter and set the glassy paper on fire, he didn’t bother cleaning up or closing the drawer. 

His mother had never said a word about it, she had only shot him an all knowing look later that night but there was more sadness than chastisement in it, Noel had tried his best to remain furious but he suddenly felt like a ponce even though he could not understand _why_ she was keeping pictures of that man.

He thought about it sometimes, as he looked at pictures of Liam from when he was young, that now he could understand, and that made him feel stuck in a loop of fate.

He keeps it together all along, everything ends and they say their goodbyes with a smile but he can’t shake it off, his demon’s still clutched on his back even after he’s left home, even after he’s had sex with Louise, so half way through the cigarette they share on the bed together, he gets up and tells her he’s going for a walk. She stares at him quizzically then pointedly stares at the grey rainfall noisily hitting the window.

« A walk » She just repeats realizing he’s serious, Louise is mercurial just like him and she gets his moodswings, most of the time, but he can tell she’s still hurt. « Why » She never used to ask questions before. 

« I just need some fresh air » She chuckles uncharacteristically darkly but then her mind seems to change and she sighs softly « Just come back soon » Noel is relieved, he bends down and kisses her. 

« I love you » She says earnestly.

« I love you too » 

_Why can’t this be enough ?_

❇︎

The storm is raging outside, and Noel walks away in the pouring rain, head buzzing and nauseous. 

His legs bring him to the playground he used to go to as a kid, where he would smile and pretend he was just like the other kids, rosy cheeks and not black and blue underneath his clothes. He remembers watching their fathers coming to get them at the end of the day, warm and happy and it looked surreal to him, like they were all an other breed of people.

His body drops heavy on a bench, the thunder is still roaring, wind is slapping his face but he can barely feel the cold, he feels frozen in time, frosted in fear. Sheltered in lonesomeness, he lets himeslf cry under the curtain of rain, no one will ever hear it, eyes set on the ground, completely alone, he’s not sure how much time passes but as he can no longer feel the water dropping down on him, he looks up.

His little brother is right in front of him, with his umbrella spread over the two of them. Eyes meet, clear blue against hazy red and Noel’s first instinct is to look away. Without a word, Liam drops the umbrella and allows the rain to hide his brother’s tears, he sits by his side and wraps his arms around him, Noel doesn’t move, doesn’t push him away, so he holds him just a little tighter.

« I called Louise, asked where you were, she told me you were out » He breaks the silence but Noel can’t say anything back « What’s wrong with you man, it’s fucking cold » Noel half smiles despite himself, he faces Liam then, taking pity on himself, he allows his eyes to drop to his brother’s mouth, his pink lips are frozen blue “Christ Liam, how long were you out there ?” Just like that, he’s unwrapped from himself.

His brother looks uneasy “Not much, took me about 10 minutes to find you, ‘twas so easy” Noel touches his hand, as icy as his own. Right. Liam doesn’t let him let go.“I’ll always find you, you know” _I think I know._

And Noel wonders where his brother came from, who made him this way, why was he so different, what it was about him that sheltered softness and vulnerability, unscorned sensitivity. 

“Liam ?”

“Mh?”

_Do I really ?_

“Not even close” His brother lies. 

“Tell me again”

“You’re nothing like him. You’ll never be. _We’ll_ never be”

« How do you know, how can you know for sure » Liam lets go of him then, he stares at him, earnest, fiery, unwavering.

« Because I’m your brother »

Noel lets emotions show openly on his face, but his brother looks sadder than he is and holds his face, this look of sheer affection in Liam’s tender eyes could sometimes, often, make him uncomfortable, make him want to run the other way but not that instant, at this moment it gave him the feeling of being the home where he belonged, he was not scared.

Noel did not think he could trust anyone else but himself, and Liam felt like a pound of his flesh, _he is_ , but more than that, dust of his mind and he felt open raw and right with him in ways he never experienced with anyone. Familiarity and love, a mix he would never feel together for anyone else in his life.

He didn’t know yet and he couldn’t call it love then, he didn’t recognize it as such, he was calling it trust, which in the end proves to be the same.

Noel felt like he did not belong in Manchester, down the road of clones of cement he used to live in, he felt like he did not belong in Louise’s world, he was always an outsider, he was fitting in Clint’s world but it was not right, he was always looking the other way, but there, with his brother, away from it all, he felt at home.  How many beginnings will he have to go through before he can break free, how many ghosts will come to live in his mind before he does, he was feeling them all dance in his eyes as he envisioned himself stuck for all the ever to come.

Liam looking at him, troubled seraphic and wholesome, just leans in and kisses him with his frozen lips.

It’s nothing but a chaste kiss, comforting, nothing Liam's never given him before, even if it had been a while he had stopped, but flashes of sensations from that one time he lost control come back to him, and suddenly exhausted to fight he puts his hand on the back of his brother’s head firmly, fingers threading in his wet hair and lazily tastes the rain on his mouth, taking, at least a part, of what he wants, for a moment suspended in time, unquestioning and shameless. _A taste of relief._

When he opens his eyes he meets Liam’s look of misty detachment, and he wonders if he hasn’t dreamt it all. But then his brother puts his wet locks away from his forehead and says “I love you, Noel” and Noel thinks he’s the purest thing he set his eyes on in his life and everything mixes within him, he wants to more than ever but can’t say it back, the words threatening to strip him naked and he knows for sure then, it all happened.

Liam’s studying look seems to unravel him and he wants to run away in the darkness, in the rain still pouring down, he wonders how much would be enough to cleanse him, he’s soaked and dirty and his thoughts knock one another in his head and Liam suddenly sneezes right on his face.

“What the fuck! You’re disgusting” The sky is clearing and he thinks even the weather has a weakness for his brother.

“Serves you right, you got me sick last time” That "last time" was three years ago, and it was his brother of course who took advantage of his weakness to sleep next to him, to catch whatever he had and skip school.

“You’re the one who followed me here, like always, you love your big brother so much”

“I do” There’s a dare in Liam’s eyes and Noel gulps. “I wish I’d see more of him around, you’re never around lately” Noel is, but when Liam isn’t and they both know it.

“Let’s go, mom will get worried about you, it’s late” Liam looks hurt he’s avoiding the topic and he is already half expecting the boy to walk off all wrapped up in sudden anger but he attacks him with more honesty instead.

“I don’t like you living away, I don’t like you abandoning us” Noel noticeably for the two of them doesn’t deny it. 

“It’s only natural. You’ll understand when you’ll grow up” 

“I’m all grown up me and you’re gonna see it”Liam points his finger threateningly on his chest as he says it but whatever intensity he was after dies in an other sneeze. Noel chuckles heartedly « Hope you’re going to put your money where your mouth is, all 50 cents of it » Liam sneezes again and gives up on a comeback, hejust bites Noel’s cheek like it’s normal and takes off his way not turning back. 

❇︎

Noel feels strangely hollow on his way back home, walking in the shadowed path the building cast, away from the yellow street lights. His mouth is tingling, his spine prickling, he doesn’t know why that strange bittersweet aftertaste of ending is on his tongue, and down his throat, many words which won’t be screamed out, not by him at least. He thinks it won’t be long before he can’t help fucking everything up.

At Louise’s, _Home_ , he gets the key in the front door soft and slow the way it never woke her up, up until the point she could never trust him enough to sleep soundly again. But that was for later, she was still then sound asleep serene and sweet on the bed as he settles back in silence on the spot he had left next to her, his arm around her waist and a kiss on her shoulder, his eyes set on the tiny square window, a full moon, Liam’s eyes find their way back in him and he feels himself growing hard against his girlfriend. _I’m completely fucked up._

Unwilling to give in, he lets restlessness and anxiety cradle him into a doomed sleep. In his dream that night he is alone in his council house, there is only a chair there and he is sitting on it. The storm strikes once and he is 30, twice he is 40, thrice, 50. 

He has the same clothes on but looks just like his father and all around him everything stayed the same. 

Suddenly everything changes, he is in his childhood home and he _is_ his dad beating up a grown up Liam in front of his petrified family, there’s the scent of blood and his brother’s eyes which turned into his own in his mind as he wakes up, drenched in cold sweat, out of breath.  His heart is beating a hundred miles a minute, he looks around, calms down as he sees Louise by his side, it was just a dream. 

Yet, guilt settles in like it all happened.  The following weeks he cuts off all ties with his brother, terrified he would see through his mind. 

Still, Liam keeps calling on the mornings, but he stops picking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't call me a romantic, Noel's in love.
> 
> This is much later than expected update-wise and also much longer, thank you to anyone who got this far you made it worth writing ! 
> 
> I hope the time line is not too confusing, all in all it's going forward but still back and forth as it's written like memories so each chapter will follow a theme if it makes sense, tbc.


End file.
